DV Awareness: A Brief Guide For Leaving Safely

• Where to start
• Find an advocate immediately
• How to get help if you’re being tracked or monitored
• What to do if you can’t get an advocate before you leave
• What to do if you’re not being tracked (yet)
• If you’re in immediate danger and CANNOT leave safely
• If you’re in immediate danger but CAN leave safely
• Links to resources

This guide is for informational purposes only. Every situation is unique. For individualized help, contact a domestic violence advocate or attorney.

Leaving is a process, not a single action. Every small act of preparation gets you closer to being safe to start your healing journey.

The best way to get started if you’re not in immediate danger and not sure where to begin is with the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Their advocates will listen to you, help you find resources in your area, and can hook you up with a domestic violence advocate.

Visit thehotline.org, text START to 88788, or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

The first thing you should do if you need to leave is contact a domestic violence support advocate or network.

Not friends, not family, not coworkers.

Why? Because the people closest to you already are probably not trained to help you plan for physical and emotional safety. 

They may be able to express care, show sympathy, or offer comfort. But without training, they might accidentally add to your trauma by:

• Making you feel shame about your situation
• Invalidating your experience
• Minimizing the abuse
• Giving unsafe advice for safety planning
• Confronting your abuser
• Distancing themselves from your “drama”, making you feel more isolated

Domestic violence advocates might not always be perfect in emergency situations, which is when people tend to call them the most. But they are the best allies when you need to plan a strategic, safe exit.

Work with your advocate to make a safety plan for yourself (and your children if you have them).

Many DV survivors are tracked and monitored by their abuser. They may track your phone location, internet browsing activity, or social media activity to keep tabs on you. 

If this is happening to you, you need to take some extra steps to safely connect with a DV advocate or services.

Here are some safe ways to contact a DV advocate:

• Use a computer at your local public library or place of worship
• If you go to the library, make sure to check out a book or two to avoid suspicion if your partner is tracking your phone location.
• A Unitarian Universalist church is the most likely to help you and maintain your privacy, confidentiality, and safety.
• Some religious institutions are not safe and may try to get you and your abuser into counseling together. If your church, mosque, temple, or other place of worship doesn’t advertise DV services, it’s a good indicator that you may not be able to trust what they can do for you.
• If your abuser is in the clergy or active in your religious community, do not seek help from their religious community. It will not be safe.
• Use a computer or phone at your local community health center or clinic
• Federally qualified health centers, Planned Parenthood clinics, and community mental health centers sometimes provide private rooms or a phone for confidential calls to resources. Ask a receptionist for privacy.
• Many YMCAs and YWCAs offer community members assistance connecting to resources confidentially. If your location is being tracked, it’s often safer to visit a YMCA (which is known for its gyms) than a YWCA (which may be more recognizable for offering DV services).
• Urgent care centers and emergency departments at hospitals can quietly hook you up with an advocate or social worker while you’re being seen. If you need a scan or x-ray you can let the technician know you need help when you’re brought into the scanning room (where your partner won’t be permitted to enter).
• Use a family member or friend’s laptop or computer
• Please use an incognito tab in the browser if you aren’t sure about their reliability or ability to keep your privacy for safety.
• Don’t use the devices that belong to friends or family members of your abuser if you can avoid it.
• Use an incognito tab in your own browser to chat.
• Make sure you X out of the tab when you’re done. If your partner is particularly tech savvy, this might not be a reliable way to maintain privacy.
• Most DV websites have a quick escape button. Don’t worry about leaving the chat suddenly. They understand.
• If you KNOW FOR SURE your phone activity, internet activity, or location isn’t being tracked by your partner:
• A local courthouse will have a legal aid clinic or victim advocate on staff that can help you connect safely to an advocate.
• Many police stations have a victim advocate on staff who you can speak to.

If you can’t connect to a DV advocate before you leave, then do your best to do the following:

• Identify one trusted family member or friend who will not alert your abuser and tell them what is going on and what you plan to do. Ask them for help finding a safe place to stay.
• Get a restraining order from your local courthouse. Make sure you talk to the courthouse’s victim advocate to understand what protections the restraining order offers in your state. This may not stop your abuser from attempting to contact or hurt you, but in many jurisdictions it gives the police the ability to arrest and detain them if they violate the order. That can buy you time to get to safety.
• Connect with a victim advocate or DV advocate immediately after the restraining order is served on your abuser. They can help you with the next steps.

It’s possible that your activity isn’t currently being tracked or monitored by your abuser. That is a best case scenario, but it’s not a guarantee that they won’t start tracking or stalking you once you leave.

I still think it’s best to work with a DV advocate before doing any of the following. But I also think it’s important to know what you’ll need to do to stay safe and limit the possibility of being stalked and harassed after leaving.

If you have the financial and practical resources to do so, there are some things you can start doing to prepare your exit without your abuser knowing that you’re preparing to leave. 

This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it can get you started:

1. Download an SOS app on your phone and set it up.
2. Get a prepaid burner phone with a basic data plan. Load it up with your most critical contacts, but DO NOT share the number with anyone but your DV advocate and trusted legal resources.
3. Get a phone-sized faraday pouch and keep the burner phone in it when it’s not being used.
4. Get a burner Gmail account attached to your burner phone. You’ll use this email to help you place online orders for critical documents like copies of birth certificates, social security cards, licenses, IDs, passports, insurance cards, car registration, car titles, etc.
5. Get a PO Box in a nearby city or town. This is where you will receive any and all mail related to leaving (such as critical documents).
6. Make a list of all of the contacts you’ll need to block on social media once you leave. These include the family members, friends, coworkers, and anyone else connected to your abuser.
7. Rent a small storage unit to start storing the belongings you care about the most and cannot bear to lose: prescriptions, medications, assistive devices, medical devices, work or business equipment, photo albums, keepsakes, etc.
8. Get a prepaid, reloadable Visa gift card and start putting $5-$100 on it every chance you get. You can do this while you’re on a grocery trip or picking things up from a pharmacy. Use this card to pay for things related to leaving: PO Box, storage space, burner phone, critical documents, etc.
9. Get a new CashApp account for your burner phone. Tie everything to your PO Box and burner email account.
10. Pack a go-bag: diaper bag, formula, clothing, spare keys, important documents, hygiene products, prepaid gift cards, cash, and critical belongings that you can put in a safe place and access if you have to leave in a critical emergency before you’re ready.

• Call 911. Scream for help if you can’t stay on the line long or state, “I need officers immediately but I can’t speak safely”. 
• Try to stay on the line as long as possible and give them as much information as you can.
• DO NOT order a pizza. This is a myth. Responders are not trained to recognize this as a call for help with a DV situation.
• If you can talk safely and stay on the line, tell the dispatcher that your life is in danger from your partner and you need immediate help with a domestic violence situation.
• Tell the responder if there are any weapons or firearms involved.
• Give them your location: address, cross streets, mile marker, or nearest landmark. 
• Let them know if there are others in danger as well, such as children or relatives.
• Be as specific as possible. “I’m in the bathroom.” “My children are hiding upstairs.” “My mother is in the basement.”
• Tell them who your abuser is and what their relationship is to you.
• Do not give specific details about what happened, just tell them that you think your life is in danger. If they press, tell them you can’t speak safely.
• You don’t want the dispatcher to de-prioritize your call based on their own biases and impression of your situation.
• Your call is being recorded, and being too detailed about events could be used against you in court by your abuser later.

Go to an emergency room and tell them you are trying to flee a domestic violence situation and need help.

• Make sure they keep you unlisted in the hospital directory if anyone calls looking for you.
• Get treatment if you’re visibly injured.
• Tell them if you were hit in the head or torso. Even if you don’t have obvious injuries, you might have a concussion or internal bleeding.
• They need to know your safety is threatened. Ask if they can keep you in a private exam room or ER hallway away from the waiting room while you wait to be seen.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline
• TechSafety.org
• WomensLaw.org
• YWCA.org